update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
