Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
