My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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