Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
