he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
