Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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