If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
