I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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