I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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