Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize