A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
