coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
