he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
