I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
