you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
