Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
