You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
