My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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