I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
