Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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