she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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