I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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