It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
