tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's shark week go big or go home
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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