Don't make out with my wife yet
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
