I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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