Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
