I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
