Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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