i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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