we made out on top of his cat.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
