Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
