Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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