life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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