North Korea, Best Korea!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
