Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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