I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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