We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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