I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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