tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
