I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize