I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
