mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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