Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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