peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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