i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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