my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
