It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize