There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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