i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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