I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize