A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
