I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
