I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
