I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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