We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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