apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
