there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize