I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
