no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
