I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
