she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
