Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
